Excuses, Excuses

I guess I have a lot of ‘splainin to do (and thank you to the lovely Kim who inspired me to start writing again)…

Please accept my apologies for leaving things where they were. Yes, I am still pregnant, and yes, I am still thrilled and thankful and grateful beyond words. (I’m actually a week into my second trimester now!) Physically, I have been exhausted. I haven’t exactly had morning sickness (other than some severe food aversions), although I did have a horrible case of the flu when I was about six and a half weeks along. I was vomiting uncontrollably, fever, chills, terrible cough – quite possibly the worst flu I have ever had. I was absolutely terrified something was going to happen to the pregnancy (I’m too superstitious to use the word “baby” yet) – either from the illness itself or from the medication my doctor was insisting I take. I finally recovered after a couple of weeks (and a subsequent ultrasound confirmed that the fetus was alive and kicking), only to find out I was anemic, and then to come down with gnarly cold, which is where I am now. I told my husband that, in my prayers, I promised G-d that if I were to become pregnant, I would not complain about any of my symptoms – I think I am being tested…

To be honest, I didn’t really fall off the face of the earth – I have been reading all of your blogs every single day. I am so touched by all of your stories, your struggles and your emotional fortitude – I almost feel like I don’t belong here anymore. The first thing that happened was that I stopped posting in my online buddy group. I know how blessed I am that my first IVF cycle actually worked, but I have so much empathy and sensitivity as to those who are still struggling – I couldn’t bear the thought of posting about my success. I tried to join another group for women who were pregnant with their first child but, after a while, I realized I was coming from a different place. These were women (mostly younger than I) who didn’t know what it was like to have a drawer full of OPKs and pregnancy tests, who have never given themselves an injection, who have never had to endure the battery of tests and procedures we infertiles have had to endure. I know these women realize how blessed they are, but I really think the gratitude I feel is due to what I have had to go through to get here. So, I stopped posting there, stopped posting to my blog… but I do still read everything out there. Even though I am where I am right now (and nothing is a certainty), my heart still belongs in this community.

So. That’s where I’ve been. I am going to try to continue to post and for certain I will continue to read all of your stories. And I will completely understand if you no longer wish to stop by my little corner of the Internet, but please know that I am here and my heart is with you…