Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Excuses, Excuses

I guess I have a lot of ‘splainin to do (and thank you to the lovely Kim who inspired me to start writing again)…

Please accept my apologies for leaving things where they were. Yes, I am still pregnant, and yes, I am still thrilled and thankful and grateful beyond words. (I’m actually a week into my second trimester now!) Physically, I have been exhausted. I haven’t exactly had morning sickness (other than some severe food aversions), although I did have a horrible case of the flu when I was about six and a half weeks along. I was vomiting uncontrollably, fever, chills, terrible cough – quite possibly the worst flu I have ever had. I was absolutely terrified something was going to happen to the pregnancy (I’m too superstitious to use the word “baby” yet) – either from the illness itself or from the medication my doctor was insisting I take. I finally recovered after a couple of weeks (and a subsequent ultrasound confirmed that the fetus was alive and kicking), only to find out I was anemic, and then to come down with gnarly cold, which is where I am now. I told my husband that, in my prayers, I promised G-d that if I were to become pregnant, I would not complain about any of my symptoms – I think I am being tested…

To be honest, I didn’t really fall off the face of the earth – I have been reading all of your blogs every single day. I am so touched by all of your stories, your struggles and your emotional fortitude – I almost feel like I don’t belong here anymore. The first thing that happened was that I stopped posting in my online buddy group. I know how blessed I am that my first IVF cycle actually worked, but I have so much empathy and sensitivity as to those who are still struggling – I couldn’t bear the thought of posting about my success. I tried to join another group for women who were pregnant with their first child but, after a while, I realized I was coming from a different place. These were women (mostly younger than I) who didn’t know what it was like to have a drawer full of OPKs and pregnancy tests, who have never given themselves an injection, who have never had to endure the battery of tests and procedures we infertiles have had to endure. I know these women realize how blessed they are, but I really think the gratitude I feel is due to what I have had to go through to get here. So, I stopped posting there, stopped posting to my blog… but I do still read everything out there. Even though I am where I am right now (and nothing is a certainty), my heart still belongs in this community.

So. That’s where I’ve been. I am going to try to continue to post and for certain I will continue to read all of your stories. And I will completely understand if you no longer wish to stop by my little corner of the Internet, but please know that I am here and my heart is with you…

7 comments:

Paranoid said...

For what it's worth, reading about someone whose IVF worked is more encouraging than depressing (to me, at least). It's nice to read about someone who is doing well.

I hope everything continues to go smoothly for you.

Starfish said...

I was wondering - glad things are still okay.

Anyway - I always think that people like you - who are successful, and who really get what it took to get there, really should keep writing. Your honest feelings will be hopeful to others.

CreoleInDC said...

I LOVE the name of your blog! ROFL! My uterus is fugged up too. ROFL!

Kim said...

There you are!! :o) You've had me worried. I'm so glad things have worked out for you.

Congrats on the 2nd trimester! WOOWHOO!

Sorry to hear about the flu bug. It seems lots of people have been hard by it this year.

Rest up and enjoy that growing belly. ;o) Can't wait to read more!

Vivien said...

Hey - congratulations on the success so far. I am sure it must be easy to feel guilty about it when other people are still struggling, but don't let that intefer with your happiness.

Cindy said...

Ditto to what everyone has been saying. It's good to hear from you.

Kim said...

Rebecca:

Yowza!! Good for you. That is how it should be(getting pregnant on your first medical try). I am 39 and am on my first cycle and having my first IVF April. I have had no other medical maternity help. I just tried to get pregnant on my own for years.(maybe that was the problem, just kidding)Anyways, I just gave my self the first shot this morning and I almost passed out, not from the needle. I never felt it. It was the tiny speck of blood that I saw after the shot. Damn needles are horrible.

I think it is very important for people in our situation to read about the people who are having a positive experience. I also would love to know the specifics. For instance, my doctor thinks it would be best for me to have 3 days of absolute bed rest after ET. After that an additional 2 weeks of 70% of my time laying down. What did you do?

Also, who in the heck do you talk to about the excitement of actually being able to give a shot to your self in the stomach? I could not believe I could do it. My family act thinks I am mad.

Well, I am very happy for you. You are going to be just fine. Besides the horrible flu, it sounds like you have a great pregnancy.

Oh, by the way, I love Astroabby. I have been reading every month for years. I think I am like you, where I read it for entertainment, but sometimes it is amazing.