Fertility… Fidelity… Futility… I don’t really have anything to say on this – just that in rolling these words around in my head they all seem remarkably similar. It actually makes more sense talking about INfertility and INfidelity, at least in my life these days, but then I couldn’t use my “F” word and come up with a clever and witty title for my blog entry ;)
In any case, just when I thought I was safe (after all, I have so much on my plate these days it would only make sense to put the IVF issues on the back burner), infertility once again reared its ugly head. My husband and I had a really good weekend. Actually, it was a phenomenal weekend. We’re really making strides. I have a lot of hope for our marriage, but I’m just not THERE yet. We also spent a lot of time talking about our December IVF cycle. We decided to keep everything on schedule and, as it gets closer, make a determination as to whether or not we’re ready. We just want to be in a good place before we set off on that adventure. Not just because of what it will entail for our relationship, but the stress issues alone may be enough to warrant waiting. It made us both sad, just the thought of putting it off, and we haven’t made any decisions yet, but it seemed right that we were talking about it. Here’s the kicker – I asked him, “How would you feel if somehow we were able to conceive naturally this cycle?” (Like I said, we had a REALLY good weekend.) He said, “Well, I think that would be a wonderful, wonderful miracle.” I can’t reconcile the fact that we’re in a place where we can still hope for the miracle of natural conception despite the odds and our infertility issues, but we can’t commit to our IVF cycle because we’re not “there” yet. Technically, the ball is in my court with all of this, but I guess I’m not quite sure where “there” is. Now I’m rambling…
Anyway, strangely enough, we had our joint counseling session yesterday and our therapist asked us about our planned IVF cycle. It was interesting because we had only mentioned it once, during our first session, and it hadn’t come up since – now he was bringing it up right after my husband and I had the long discussions about it over the weekend. Normally, I appreciate the directness of our therapist, and I realize he doesn’t have a medical degree, but he was so ignorant of all the issues surrounding our IVF cycle. The discussion went something like this (and I’m only including the relevant portions):
“Is this the first time you’re going to be on fertility drugs? You haven’t done any cycles before?”
“It’s not just fertility drugs. I’m going straight to in vitro fertilization.”
“Interesting. And they never put you on fertility drugs before.” [This was a statement, not a question.]
“It would be pointless. My fallopian tubes are broken. My eggs are good [knock on wood], they just can’t get fertilized.”
“I don’t understand.”
“One tube points due north, and the other one is a tangled birds’ nest. We have no way of knowing where the egg goes once it’s dropped. I have the option of having surgery, but there are fewer guarantees with the surgery than proceeding straight to IVF. Even then, there’s less than a 50% chance, which decreases exponentially, especially once I turn 35.”
“How old are you now?”
“34. According to my doctor, a ‘solid’ 34.”
“Well, it’s not like your chances will suddenly drop off once you turn 34.6.”
“Tell that to my RE.”
“How old was your birthmother when she entered menopause?”
“She going through it right now. She’s 50.” [Sorry, folks – I left this minor detail out of my description of our meeting.]
“So you have another 16 years. What are you worried about?”
“Are you kidding me?”
“People have babies well into their forties all the time. Look at [insert name of various celebrities I was too irked to remember here].”
“Yes, but not necessarily with their own eggs!”
“Well, in any case, it won’t kill you to wait a couple of months, will it?”
“Well…”
“It’s not like you’re going to have to miss any work, are you?”
“Okay. Just so you understand – starting in mid-November, my husband and I will have to take classes to learn how to give me hormone shots…”
“…I thought you said you weren’t going on fertility drugs…”
“…They are to increase production of my eggs. I will have to be monitored by ultrasounds every few days, after which I will have to go in to have my eggs surgically harvested with a gigantic needle. Then they will be implanted back in me after a few days, and I will then have to be on bedrest for the better part of a week.”
“And it costs what? A few thousand dollars?”
[Laughter and snickering from my husband.]
“Try again.”
I’m not sure what it was about this whole exchange that set me off – I’m still trying to figure it out. But I keep replaying it over and over in my head and my gut reaction to it, whatever that may be, remains the same. I’m sad and frustrated and angry and confused, and I don’t know what else. I’m also feeling guilty and selfish that, in spite of everything else going on, I’m still thinking about the baby situation all the time.
A few weeks ago, I thought it would be a miracle if my husband and I could resolve our issues and get through this difficult time. Now, for the first time, I see that there is hope for us and for our marriage to be stronger than it ever was before. Is one more miracle too much to ask?
F*CK.
3 comments:
Wow. I would have been pissed off too. You'd think a therapist would be a little more sensitive. Glad things look hopeful though.
F*ck is right!
Maybe he should try therapy for his lack of tact.
It drives me nuts when someone starts trying to give advice or sound knowledgable in an area where they obviously know dick all. Your therapist may be great at some things but obviously is ignorant of things related to infertility (and especially IVF) and worse apparently doesn't even realize it. I can't imagine a scenario where that conversation wouldn't set you off.
DinoD
Post a Comment